i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
