she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
