my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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