Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
