Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
