hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize