remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
