As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
