i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
