I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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