apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
