I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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