watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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