as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
