oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
