She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
True strength comes from lack of pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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