Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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