My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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