I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
