I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
