Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
