And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
