Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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