Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize