On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
