The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
