I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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