Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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