I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
