last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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