I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
