Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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