Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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