Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
