Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
