The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
