This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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