I haven't been this sober since birth.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
