my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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