Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
