Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
