great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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