I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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