dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
