I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
