dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
