I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Maybe he injected his testicle?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
