so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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