he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
