Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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