Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
