god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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