NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
