Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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