I wish I could teleport
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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