Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
