My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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