I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
