I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
