Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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