During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
