I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
