im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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