i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
