I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize