I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
