You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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