Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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