We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
