Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
