...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
