Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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