i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
