Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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