Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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